A mother gives her whole life to her children. Once they come, her universe shifts and suddenly there is a love that develops fiercer than anything. All her life she lives for her children, thinks for them, works for them and breathes for them. Each and every minute of her life now goes in hoping and praying for their well being.
Most of the times at the expense of her wings, she gives her children the wings to soar.
My mother has completely lived for us. Her whole world has been “The Sibling” and me. And now when I leave in a few days, I worry. Not just about how I will cope without my Mom near me 24/7, but wondering how she will be without me.
Over time a mother has done everything possible to make her child a good human being. She gives them the tools and essentials needed to face whatever life is going to throw at them. Sometimes she shelters, sometimes protects, she teaches and sometimes she lets go.
She lets us fall so we learn; she sometimes needs to hurt to make us stronger. She teaches us to be independent, and do everything that she felt if she had done, her life would be different.
Mom has told me the story of my first day of school so many times. I am sure every child’s first day goes this way, where the child cries to leave their safe world of motherly love, and sit in a room full of strangers, oblivious to the fact that the mother is hiding right outside to see how her baby is coping.
The first time I had to use the school bus, I had no idea that my Mom was at school watching me from behind a tree, making sure I have learnt to get on the right bus. She would follow back in a cab and then receive me at the bus stop.
Then as I grew older she watched me deal with school, bullies, depression, rebellion, college life, friends, and the list goes on. She knew where to hold on and she knew where to let me go. She knew everything. But at the same time as I grew older, our dependability on each other grew too. Not just a physical dependability, but an emotional one. Soon I was needed to do tasks which she could easily do, but it was better for her when I did it. Our lives became entwined like never before.
Running errands, taking care of certain aspects, going together everywhere for the smallest of things became our life. And then somehow she cannot imagine doing all this without the daughter.
“What will I do without you?” is something she keeps saying at least twice a day.
Our life became one, since she became my world, friend, sister, boss, she became everything. We have been having our tea together, watching shows together, having long conversations, reading books, movies, lunches; she plays her candycrush next to me while I do my art. We have a compulsive need to share each and everything with each other.
All this is my life. And hers too.
And I know once I leave there’s going to be a vacuum. For her and me.
Couple of days ago we had gone shopping. She is not comfortable using the card and punching the pin. Little things that stressed her, I always took care of. She told me to go and complete the payment with the card. And that moment it struck me, that Mom, I won’t be there anymore to do these tiny things.
I told her – “Make the payment Mom, you know how to. I am right here watching, but you have to do it yourself because I will not be there each time you shop”
It’s not like she doesn’t know, she just prefers me to be there. She feels safe, just the way I feel safe when she’s around.
Now it’s my turn give her wings. It’s my turn to now let go. It is my turn to now know when to hold on and when to let her learn.
It’s time for my Mom to fly now, and find a new way to fill her nest since I will be building my own.
And don’t worry Mom, no matter what happens I will always be there just the way I know you will always be there.
I am a phone call away.
I am grateful to God that I will be just one hour away, and we can still always meet whenever we need.
We can meet and have “our little world” again for one day.