Lately I have been getting odd dreams. And if I try to understand them I know they are basically manifestations of my stress and anxiety.
I will share something new today. I know it is weird. But couple of years back I wanted to get into dream analysis, so I would maintain a dream journal. Every morning I would write about my dream and then research on it's elements online. A snake, ocean, seeing yourself falling, blah blah, all had a different meaning. I would read many books on what Freud thought dreams were and then I would make notes.
That obsession lasted for exactly one week till I got bored and realised how demented it was.
So last night I had some weird dreams again. I dreamt that I was conducting a workshop in my bedroom and I had stuffed around nineteen people in my room. To top it off, all of them were drunk. I was screaming about patterns and designs, while they rolled away in my bed refusing to draw anything.
I love conducting workshops since I get to meet new people and share what I have been creating for years. But since I am also a little anti social in nature, the idea of speaking to a lot of people scares me. I get scared of being nervous and fumbling. I get scared that I may not conduct it well. Even though I have done it twice and I have two more workshops coming in April, it still scares me.
I also dreamt that there was a pile of vessels in my sink and my maids refused to wash them. Homely chores also freak me out I guess. It's not like I am piled in any housework these days but still the thought of watching over maids, making sure all the work is done, seeing to it that it all runs smoothly, bores me out. I hate it. Ideally I would like one maid who just cleans and cooks in the morning and then goes off, leaving me alone with a cup of tea and a good book. But in a big house that is impossible.
I sometimes just want to switch off and be someone else. Not be a daughter-in-law, or a wife. I miss being a girl who would only think about art, meeting friends and which book to read next. I miss being free. And by free I mean having some "me-time" where I am not asked about food, home, groceries, what I am doing, where I am going, etc.
Basically I miss being responsibility-free.
But then when I talk to K and my friends I realise that no one is truly free. We all have our own hell, our own devils, conflicts and battles. We need to sprinkle some kindness always as each is fighting a new battle everyday. Everyone has issues, may it be home, relationships, career or health. That way my life is very balanced, I multi-task and make sure I put my energies in doing things I love. Because I have realised one thing. If you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy.
Life is never perfect. And if there are no imperfections, how will you enjoy the perfect moments?
In a week I am off to Sri Lanka. Extremely excited for that and for those eight days I can be "just a girl" again.
(image sourced from google)